9 days in the life of a caregiver

WHEW

Over the past nine days I have:

*attempted for the final time to get a loan against the home I own outright

*driven my mother and I 13 hours to western Colorado for my nieces wedding

*began the return a day earlier than planned because of a winter storm hitting the mountain passes, stopping just east of Denver because of blizzard conditions (7 hours)

*completing the drive back to my home in Kansas, only to discover after another 7 hours of driving that the furnace wasn’t working and it was 57 degrees inside

*fell completely apart to my youngest son who rents the house from me, blubbing my serious financial concerns if the furnace needed expensive repairs, bemoaned my status as unpaid and unrecognized caregiver in my family as I recounted my mother giving my youngest brother a $15K tractor

*picked up a few necessities and crawled underneath blankets dressed in three layers of clothing to stay warm

*became sick with covid after being the only person wearing a mask at the family wedding and no concern from the brothers who were at the wedding

*continued to provide information to the loan company with no answer as to whether or not the loan was approved

*asked mom outright for a loan as it didn’t appear I would be getting one from the loan company-didn’t ask for guns to be given to me, didn’t ask for a $15K tractor, asked for a loan at 6% interest to be paid back over 4 years

*told by mom the following day that ‘we would figure things out when we got back’, whatever that means

*did my best through covid fever to ensure mom was eating and drinking, checking her bp and O2 levels regularly before crawling right back into bed

*youngest son tests positive for covid, mom tests negative 2x, though mom feels like ‘things are getting stuck in her throat’ which I think is her anxiety increasing because of the past few days

*packed up my belongings only to realize that because of the covid exposure, mom’s test in the upcoming days will likely be postponed

WHEW!

I tell you all this as my way of apologizing to you. I had this idea that I could help people navigate this caregiving journey with creativity, with compassion, with humor, and yes, with a little insight as I cared for my husband and my father, and now my mother, and have done so for the past 7+ years.

But these past 9 days have shown me to be full of bs and hot air, because I have been brought to my very knees. I don’t yet know if I will be able to secure a loan against my home to wipe out my debt from these past three years of pandemic and being my mom’s caregiver from two states away. I don’t know if I will have to sell my house in order to get that debt off my back, making it easier to be a full time caregiver. I don’t know if I’ll be able to complete the fiber paintings I want to take with me to my first (and perhaps last?) show in Des Moines, or if I’ll be able to continue to create art at all.

I miss my life, I miss my friends, and I’m missing out on so many things because my focus is caring for my mom. I made a promise to her and a promise to daddy to take care of her. If I don’t do that, then my siblings will insist she leaves the home she loves, her happy place, and that will surely cut her days with us short.

Thankfully, one of my dear friends reminded me not too long ago that even when we know we are doing the right thing at the right time, we can still be sad for what we are missing.

Indeed

.